Cabbage and Black Eyed Peas

Oh hi.

Remember that time I disappeared from this place for 4 years?

I couldn't catch you up on things. Not that you need catching up because let's be real, Lauren and Jenny, you're the only ones reading this and you know what's happened.

But even if I did want to catch you up, I couldn't because my life for the past 9 years has been moved to a new hard drive and everything has been renamed as letters and numbers. It's kinda fun to click on a random file and see something I haven't seen in years and go "oh yeah, that happened". Although sometimes I'd rather not be reminded.

Anyway, as I was sitting here on this first day of 2015, I started thinking, it's probably time to stop talking and starting writing again. So here.

Let me just start out by saying, I have no idea where this is going. There is four years worth of stuff in my brain so this will be interesting.

There was a time in my life where I was just going. All. The. Time. It's funny how you go through phases like that. My bank account was used for traveling and basically nothing else. I miss that time. I think there was one year where I went on 3 major vacations in the middle of flying across the country going from air show to air show for work. I lived the hell outta life back then. And then, plans and relationships evolved into something else. People came and went and my life changed with it. I'm not a fan of change. At all. (Which is why New Years is one of my least favorite holidays). Don't get me wrong,  a lot of things in my life have changed for the better. Case and point - college me vs. now me.  What a train wreck that was. But that's beside the point. Anyway, here I am. And here I sit. Looking back on the years passed and being all nostalgic. I wish I was one of those people who was able to never look back. But I'm a dweller. Which is why I'm writing this letter to myself and you who are reading this now. Bless your heart for being here.

I traveled to Japan, met my family and my life changed forever. I ended up in the most unlikely job where I found that one thing that everyone searches for their entire life but few ever find. Utter happiness with their work. Then I had to leave that job for a job I hated with everything inside of me. And I stayed for two years. Which was two years too long. I found love and was the happiest I had ever been. I lost a family member. I lost a pet. I've watched the health of another family member steadily decline. I've seen yet another fight demons that won't back down. I rescued a puppy from a ditch and now she's become one of the most important things in my life. She is my happy in my current world of struggle. My relationship ended unexpectedly and I fought hard to keep it alive but didn't succeed. It kills me every single day. I found yet another job which isn't a job at all. It's a career and I am happy to be growing there.

All of that to say, there's been a mix of happy and sad. But I'm now searching for things I've lost along the way. There's a emptiness there and I can't seem to fill it no matter how hard I fight. I miss my life on the road and in the skies. I miss my grandpa. I miss my kitty cat. I miss my friends that are spread across the country and those that are a stones throw away but still unreachable. I miss a boy. I my life with that boy. I miss all of these people who either aren't here, aren't who they used to be, or just aren't a part of my life anymore. This is the kind of change I'm talking about.

You know what, sometimes shit just happens. IT REALLY HAPPENS. And life doesn't care if you sink or swim. We all go through it but under different circumstances. But I swear sometimes it seems like I've faced more than my fair share of shit happening. Which I know isn't true. There are alooooot of people out there who have seen far worse. And God bless them for making it through the struggle. I'm slowly learning how to fight mine.

I can't say that one day, none of this will matter. It's always going to matter when love abides unconditionally. Therefore, it's always going to sting when I'm reminded of these things and people I've lost. I'm always going to be a little bit sad. Always. But I'm also going to happy. Because I can. And because I have plans that excite the hell out of me. And because one day, love will find it's way back to me.

Here's to 2015, every year ahead of it and the fight for love. Because guess what, the L word is all you need.