things: the domestic edition

i have written alot of blogs entitled "things". they consist of random things i've found that i like or i find inspiring. this one however has a theme. because lately, the different personalities inside of me have been having a civil war.

there's adventurer me. and then there's the domestic wannabe me. OBVIOUSLY, i won't be domesticated ANYTIME soon. let's face it, frozen is the way to go because i'm too impatient to cook. but there lies my point. i want to be a cook. so i give you, things: the domestic edition.

as i was telling lauren last night, and my mom over the weekend, i want to be a good cook. and i want to be known as one. i want to be that person that is a genius in the kitchen and can just make anything taste good. i think this started to spur up when i was down in stt. i met three different boys who cook. and are damn good at it. (there's nothing hotter than a guy who can cook...just sayin'). that just made me feel bad because here i am...a girl who comes from a long line of amazing good ole southern (and japanese) cooks, and i can't cook a damn thing. except that one time i made snickerdoodles from scratch. but i followed a recipe. now, don't get me wrong, i've cooked things before. but i don't cook often and i'm honestly not good at it. there are two reasons for this.

one: i'm impatient. i like instant gratification and when i'm hungry, standing in the kitchen for two hours is not on my list of things to want to do.

and two: it's expensive. i know i know....there are ways to cook on a budget but that's not my point...cooking the things i would want to cook require crazy, exotic spices and throwing vodka in the pan and fancy stuff like that...and those spices would probably not get used that often so it'd be like spending $5 on something that i wouldn't use again for another few months. it takes a LONG time to build up a good spice cabinet. PLUS i'm single...and there is little more depressing than cooking for one.

i could find plenty of uses for the vodka however (i sound like a single drunk...i swear i'm not...a drunk anyway). but my point is, i want to be someone that has a kitchen filled with spices and every pot and pan and cooking utensil needed to make fancy food. that's domestic wannabe me. so from now on, in an attempt to ATLEAST become more domestically educated, i'm going to share a recipe with you once a week. 99.9% chance that it's not going to get cooked by me. but atleast i'll be learning something and sharing it with you. i may cook some of them one day. and if that day comes, i'll most definitely share my experiences with you...but until then, let's just talk about it. hey, atleast i admitted i was a wannabe.

(click that link right down there for....)

BLACKENED TUNA STEAK WITH MANGO SALSA

fresh tuna is one of my favorite foods. i don't eat canned tuna. because i'm a food snob like that. this from the girl who buys frozen foods. i'm so messed up. the thing is, i enjoy great food and would eat it often if i could afford it. i worked in a fine dinning restaurant at a country club for 4 years and i learned alot there. i just don't have the money for fancy things like that....but anyway, this recipe looks amazing...and really not that difficult. it just takes forever. i was drawn to it because of the fresh ingredients required and because it reminds me of being in the islands. i'm a huge fan of fresh mango and great tuna...i kinda wanna do it. maybe i'll go to my parents house (where the spices are endless) to cook it one day. awww dang now i'm inspired. weekend project??? not making any promises...but we'll see.

last weekend, my childhood best friend got married. MARRIED. i don't feel old enough to have married friends. and i've even got a few with KIDS....it's nuts. but anyway, the wedding was in dauphin island, alabama. my mom and i both went down and stayed at a b&b...we met up with jenny and carrie, both with their significant others. the whole time i was feeling like "....wow...this is so grown up and i DON'T fit in...but i kinda want to". i was surrounded by people with grown up jobs and people who have busy schedules and people who have a consistent routine and people with boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives and people who were alot skinner than me because they eat real food on a daily basis....and i just don't. it made me want to be better...and it made me want to have an important life with people who depend on me. so as a result of that, i've gotten back into the gym (i've slacked off since getting back from stt) and i've been trying to be more productive at work (which is hard when you have my job because once you're work is done, there is literally nothing to do). this is why i want a second job.

but like i said, there are two personalities inside of me and they are at war...i want all of the mature, domestic things listed above, but adventurer, immature me won't shut up...and let's be honest here, adventurer immature me is who i really am. except i really do work out. thank the lord above because i love the food that real domestic people know how to cook.

SO...last night, i was at barnes & noble looking for a travel novel...low and behold, i found one that basically sums up EVERYTHING i just said. so i'm going to read it.

"Laura wonders whether her passion for travel is interfering with what most women seem to want at her age: a husband, a family, and a safe, settled life." - laurafraser.com

“All Over The Map makes you want to pack your bags, explore the world, mend your broken heart, and totally reclaim your life.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and Committed

......can you say nutshell?????

we clean up and now it's time to learn.

today was one of those days. you know the kind that you can't even begin to even think about facing because you can't make yourself get out of bed and the only way you manage to is by remembering that you have a job that you have to go to. yeah it's like that. i woke up with major anxiety today. i felt like i was forgetting something important and the feeling like i'm in the wrong place was overwhelming. i had a job interview today. i've had TONS of those lately. TONS....and normally this should make me feel happy. but it's done the exact opposite. because when i had finally made a plan for myself, i started getting all of these call backs for jobs that i either didn't want, or were low balling me so bad that it was insulting. when this turns out to be the same case in every interview, it starts to wear you down. and no amount of awesome compliments on your portfolio can bring you back from that. the thing is, i've been offered positions...but honestly, i can't afford to take them. and when i say can't afford to...i mean that literally. sorry people...i've got bills to pay. and i didn't work my butt of in college to work at a job where the only thing that you care about is getting out fast, cheap work with little pay. no...i'd rather not sell out and get what little freelance jobs i can take. i called katie faye and mom tonight and had complete meltdowns. sometimes, you just have to get the tears out. but after my conversations with both, i feel like i have a plan again. the reason i've been so unhappy lately is because i haven't been doing what i want to do. i've been doing what i felt obligated to do. even though i wasn't. i've been so worried about pleasing others that i haven't focused on pleasing myself. today i brought my bible to work. i spent my free moments searching for scriptures that would give me peace of mind because we can't do this alone.

problem is, i've been overwhelmed with the fact that in a few short weeks/months, i'll be loosing my job, my house, and what little social life i have. i've been alone alot lately. i don't do well alone. so i've been searching for distractions, watching a constant stream of movies, reading, talking, sleeping...but even those only last so long and when they're over, the anxiety comes back. and the fact that i'm getting offered jobs that i can't afford to take but feel pressured to by the fact that i don't really have any other choice is only making things worse.

i made a decision tonight and cut one of those options. removed it completely from the picture and i already felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. one less thing to worry about. i'm back to having a plan. i don't know if it's the right choice or not, but all i can do is pray for it to all work out. and i'd rather live knowing i made the choice i felt good about than the one i felt pressured into. i really hope i'm making the right decision.

***********update************

last night i finished watching a documentary about a surfing family.

"it's easier to die when you've lived, than it is to die when you haven't....so i say to all young people, go make memories, beautiful memories. when the time comes for you to go, you'll not go alone."

that was the last thing that was said. and it changed my life.

the v.i. part two...

the soundtrack from our week back in stt

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

and a few more pictures from the v.i.
some of them taken with my iphone and others taken by katie.
**never did get my camera back :( **

baby black tip shark at lindquist.

family picture at fat boys.


the boys took us out to dinner :)







prepping the boat before earl.


i miss it more everyday...
hopefully, i'll be back sooner than later ;)

a list.

someone once told me that i was able to see beauty in the world and in small things. it's true. i do find beauty in small things and an overwhelming since of appreciation for the world around me. call me deep, but i've always felt this way about life, even when i was younger. when i care about things, i REALLY care about them and they are more than important to me. sometimes i care too much and it gets me into trouble. but regarding life itself, i'm glad to care so much.

i watch the travel channel religiously. i daydream constantly of living out of a suitcase and seeing the world, filling my passport up with stamps from every country. i've always been the adventurous kind. i get it from my momma. she's been all over europe and to asia. i hope i can follow in her footsteps before i'm unable. i want to see and do EVERYTHING....because i think it's important to be cultured and well rounded. and i think it's important to understand other people from other countries. the world is there, just waiting for us to see it. so why do we just sit here and take it for granted? i want to meet people all over the world and learn about them and have friends everywhere. i have a bucket list that's a mile long and i'm scratching things off one by one.

but.

at the same time, i think it's also important to take note of what i've accomplished so far so that i can look back on my life up to this point and remember that i HAVE lived. because sometimes i forget that due to my massive ambitions.

so here is a list of things i've done in my life. things i think are important and things i think everyone should do before they die. small some of them may be...but even the small things help make life worth living.

i've seen the stars. i was watching a movie last night and the people in it had never seen the stars because they lived in and had never left new york city. i wouldn't want to have never seen the stars.

speaking of new york city, i've been there. it's new york city. everyone needs to experience new york at least once. they need to see times square where the world intersects. they need to see the millions of people living on that tiny island who come from every country.

i've seen the statue of liberty.

i've been to the top of the empire state building.

i've helped a blind person.

i played sports in jr. high and high school.

i've been a cheerleader.

i've built a snowman and made snow angels.

i've seen a shooting star and i've made a wish on one.

i've fed a hummingbird with my hands. i was eight. my dad and i sat on the back porch so still for hours just holding the feeder until they trusted us enough to drink out of our hands.

i've had a lemonade stand.

i've started and maintained a garden of sunflowers.

i've flown a kite.

i've played in a piano recital.

i've been to a broadway play.

i've been in a play.

i've found arrowheads in the ground from indians hundreds of years ago.

i've flown in an airplane.

i've been on a cruise.

i've been to graceland and saw where elvis ruled music.

i've seen bb king.

i've seen hulk hogan.

i've been to mardi gras in new orleans.

i've been to an nfl game.

i've been to an mlb game.

i've been to a weenie dog race.

i've seen the plantations of the south.

i've seen the the clothes and belongings of king louis xiv of france.

i've seen some of the works of andy warhol.

i've painted my self portrait.

i've skied. not very well but i've done it.

i've held a butterfly on my finger.

i've pet a shark.

i've been crab hunting.

i've caught a fish.

i've ridden a horse.

i've eaten octopus and squid and even lily pad pods.

i once grabbed an electric fence on a dare.

i've won a contest.

i've won a race.

i've met a man from africa.

i've had a conversation with a complete stranger at an airport about where they were going and why they were going there.

i've climbed a tree.

i've won a bet.

i've found $100 on the ground.

i've watched the sun rise and i've watched the sun set.

i once helped to save a baby owl that fell out of a tree. he didn't make it because he wouldn't eat. and i cried.

i've shot a gun.

i've had summer flings.

i've made a bomb and blown it up with fireworks.

i've seen where the civil war was fought.

i've had conversations with men who fought in ww2.

i've met movie stars, famous athletes and famous musicians.

i've been interviewed for the news.

i've played guitar at a nursing home for the elderly.

i've ridden roller coasters.

i've played in the rain.

i've built a fort.

i've made a pot out of clay.

i've stuck my head out of a sun roof while riding down the road.

i've made airwaves while sticking my hand out of the window of a moving car.

i've been to disney world.

i've been on a battleship.

i've jumped off of a bridge and into a river.

i've jumped off of the roof a barn and into a patch of thorns.

i've seen van morrison play brown eyed girl.

i've seen aerosmith.

i've been to music festivals like a modern day woodstock.

i've been in a hurricane.

i've been parasailing in the gulf of mexico.

i've been to mexico.

i've negotiated the price of a handwoven blanket with a mexican merchant in a small mexican town.

i've been to the cayman islands and fed wild stingrays with my hands.

i've seen dolphins in the wild.

i've seen sharks in the wild.

i've held a boa constrictor...i hated it. but i did it.

i've been to the yucatan and seen parrots in the jungle and mayan ruins in the distance.

i've been to the us virgin islands and i've seen rainbows over mountains after the rainstorms.

i've been paddle boarding in the caribbean.

i've been to the british virgin islands and i've seen the baths at virgin gorda. volcanic rocks the size of your house that blew up and made caves on the beach.

i've been snorkeling in the caribbean with fish that were larger than me.

i've taken a nap in a hammock between two palm trees and drank rum on the number 2 beach in the world.

i've seen the real treasure island.

i've driven on the left side of the road.

....i don't know...i'm sure there are a multitude of things that i'm leaving off this list but i do it unintentionally because i've done so many things in my life that it's impossible to remember them all. and like i said, some of these things are SO small, but that doesn't make them any less important. i think everyone should catch a fish or climb a tree and i know there are some people out there who haven't. maybe i just like the idea of being able to tell someone "i snorkeled in the caribbean today with giant tarpon" when they ask me what i did or what i'm currently doing. ring ring..."what are you doing?" " well...right now i'm boarding a plane to new york." or "i am about to pet a shark."

before i die, sky diving, visiting europe, asia, australia and all the places in between will be added to that list.

i guess i'm just an adventure seeker who wants to do everything and see everything. in high school, sometimes i would drive with no headlights on at night in the middle of nowhere just for the thrill (that's crazy i know). not that climbing a tree or visiting graceland or holding a butterfly is that adventurous. but i do think it's important to appreciate the smaller things in life that we've done. because after all, not everyone can see the stars.

sometimes...

i contradict my own thoughts simply because i think too much and drive my ideas into the ground. can't help it. it's one of my many flaws.

lately, a major change has been on my brain. one that i've been wanting for a little more than a year now. i put it away for safe keeping and now it's rearing it's head again and begging to become a reality. time will tell if it's all in my plan. some days i think it's totally possible. other days i think there's no way in hell it could happen. now...i know nothing is impossible. and i know that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. my problem lies within my own mind because no matter how often i tell myself this, eventually i start to think "there is absolutely no way you can afford to make this happen....stop kidding yourself."

this pushes and pulls me like a rag doll between so totally happy and insanely depressed. and it's all because i doubt myself. i hate the fact that i need reassurance every five minutes that i CAN do it. honestly, i don't worry anymore. the worrying part has long passed. it's the not knowing that's killing me. not knowing yes or no. will it happen or will it not happen?

i think i give great advice to my friends when they have the same problem. so why don't i take my own word that things will work out how they're supposed to? i need to restore my faith.

when my parents were 24, they were married and already had their life in order. i'm 24 and my life, i feel like, is in shambles. not knowing where i might end up in the next six months is torture on the mind and on the heart. don't get me wrong. i'm blessed in SO many ways and i'm thankful everyday for what i've been given. i just question whether or not i'm living the way I'M supposed to be living MY life. i wonder, is the reason my life is this way because deep down i'm a free spirit that just wants adventure? is it because i'm scared and i just haven't realized it yet? or is it simply because i failed somewhere along the line when i was supposed to step up and live the way the world expects us to? i wonder if the only reason i feel this way is because society tells me i'm supposed to have a steady career and by now i should be setting up a household.

is that how we're supposed to live? or am i supposed to be wandering around aimlessly until opportunity finds me?

am i the only person who feels this way? because major insecurity has set in due to the fact that in a few short weeks, i'll be taking two steps back instead of one step forward. i'm doing this in hopes of better preparing myself for making the changes i want. does that makes sense? taking two steps back so that i CAN take one step forward? i hope it does. but if i'm the only person who feels this way, well then i hope whoever reads this will learn from my experience. wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

words.

sometimes, i just don't have anything to say.

source: rachywhoo

missing...

st. thomas was amazing as always...i came back with:

new friends.

great memories.

another stamp in my passport.

no camera.

no pictures.

bittersweet.

my camera is now in the hands of some stranger. or flying around aimlessly on a plane somewhere. i don't know. it fell out of my bag on the plane ride back (i think) and i've been calling the airline everyday since i got back to ask if they've found it....of corse i wouldn't be so lucky. i can't even begin to tell you how upset i am about this. i've cried multiple times about it. 300+ pictures i'll never get back.

but aside from my camera being gone, this trip was just what i needed. and i've never been more in love with things, people, places....but i miss all of it. and i'd venture to say i miss it all so much that it actually is painful.

the first time i went to stt, i fell madly in love with it....and now, after my second trip back, that love is deeper than ever and it hurts to be away from it. literally.

what does it mean to miss something? someone? somewhere? lately i've been missing all of the above. and i don't know if this is a good thing or not. missing is painful. and i don't like to miss things. but i guess if i didn't, it wouldn't be nearly as sweet to see these things, people, or places again after long periods of time. missing is hard but necessary. thankfully i'm missing the right people...and not who you're thinking.

i wish i had pictures to show you....my pictures anyway...they were so wonderful. instead i'll show you a few of katies.

mojo's 30 min. after our arrival and looking pretty rough after a long day of flying. sweet little heath took us for margaritas straight from picking us up at the airport. what a dear!

laying out at secret harbour with katie and heath! fabulous day but hotter than the hinges of hell....

we relocated to the elysian to hang poolside...but then that got hot too...so we ended up having ritas...again.

a night out with the boys at hubbly bubbly and fat turtle. i love my baby.

katie's birthday present to me was a day in the bvi's.

virgin gorda.

guana island.

jost van dyke.

single greatest birthday gift of all time. hands down.

the view from heath's balcony. this is what i woke up to every morning. i don't hate it.

hull bay on the north side the night before hurricane earl hit.

heath's balcony during earl.

heath's balcony after earl :(

magen's bay just as earl was coming in. miss katie broke curfew and went exploring. meanwhile, i was back and heath's watching from windows and balconies.

the day after earl. katie snapped this heading back to red hook the next day.

a couple of videos i took out on heath's balcony during the storm.