when i start to wonder about purpose. these thoughts are always spurred by the most random things. for instance, i woke up this morning at 5 am when one of my kittens pounced on my face. i looked over at the tv when i couldn't go back to sleep and started flipping through the channels and stopped on vh1 to watch a video i'd never seen before. it was a song by a girl from southern california. she was cute with her guitar and throaty voice. anyway, to keep from babbling on, it made me start to wonder about something that has been lingering in the back of my mind for years. literally, years. i would venture to say i've been wondering...or maybe dreaming of this since i was old enough to understand what it meant to wish for something.
did you ever wonder why god chose to put you where you are? how come he didn't make us someone famous? how come he wanted us to be from wherever we are from? how come i wasn't that girl in the video? i'm not questioning his decisions by any means. it's more like, "how come we are here doing what we're doing? what's our purpose for being in the place and position we are in?"
ever since i can remember, there has always been this distant dream of mine to be an actress. it's the idea of playing make believe for a living and getting to travel the world while i do it. it's not the being famous part. it's the "pretend" part. i think this is reflective of the kid in me. this neverland that i live in does not want me to grow up. this would explain why my favorite movie growing up was peter pan. i'm the dreamer type. i suppose this is why i've never imagined myself having a typical career. i literally canNOT see myself doing anything classified as normal. and i also don't feel at home when i'm actually AT HOME. i'm at home when i do get that rare chance to travel.
i'm a very antsy person. i'm always craving new surroundings. i want to travel and meet new people ALL THE TIME. and i want to play dress up and pretend. i want to be an actress.
but this is all that far distant dream of mine. i'm not an actress and i've never even been to los angeles. i live in shreveport, and there is a reason why. i'm just waiting to find out what that reason is. i do know however that THIS, what i'm doing RIGHT NOW, is NOT what i'm meant to be doing. there IS something special and unordinary waiting for me. i know deep down. i may not be actress and i may not get a job like samantha brown's where i get to travel the world, but there has to be more than what i've found so far. what am i being saved for? we shall see.
first of all, let me just tell you how sad i am that i wasn't fortunate enough to see 'lost' when it first aired six years ago. i, through a very close friend at the time, only started watching a little less than a year ago when he said "let's start from the beginning and get you caught up before the final season."....and i'm so glad i did because for the last few months, 'lost' has been one of the greatest parts of my life. i can honestly say that never has something like a tv show completely kidnapped my mind like 'lost' has done. and it's now over. i feel like my dog died.
'lost' is the kind of show that i believe can actually make you smarter just by watching it. cheesy as it sounds, it does kind of change you in a way. i don't think i've ever thought so hard about something and worked my butt off that much to try and figure out. and it's gained an enormous amount of respect from me for always keeping me on my toes...and stimulating the growth of multiple brain stems. haha! oh goodness, to try and write up a blog post on how i feel and what i think about the greatest show on tv wouldn't do it justice. but what i can do is tell you about why i loved the finale and some of the questions that i still have about it.
while there are mixed feelings about the ending, i L O V E D it. L O V E D. and i'm so freaking excited, not to mention proud of myself, that i actually had it right from the beginning of season six. yep. i was right. after almost a year of making guesses, for the first time, i was right about 'lost'. which of course is nothing compared to those of you who dedicated the last six years of your life to coming up with your own theories. to those people, you deserve a metal for keeping your sanity for that long. i thought i was going to loose it after only a month of watching and trying to get caught up. but i digress with telling you how awesome it is, as you already know. so here i go...
*disclaimer* if you have never seen 'lost' but plan on watching it later, or have yet to find out how it ends, DO NOT read beyond this point.
last night: je-sus. bend your mind much?! at first, i was COMPLETELY "lost" as to what the frack was going on because i forgot about libby coming to visit hurley and charlie with desmond having the flashbacks. (i missed the recap before the final episode) i know i know. seems like a huge thing to forget about right? at times...wait no...all the time, 'lost' is information overload. which i guess makes me appreciate it more. so many things happened in the building up of last night that i started to veer off the path a little bit in my understanding of it. but in all actuality, everything really did make sense. at least the important parts anyway. we finally learned what desmond meant when he asked the driver to get him the manifest from 815 and saying he needed to "show them". show them that they were all dead and that they needed to remember the relationships and their time on the island so they could "let go". we finally learned that the flash sideways was in fact real, but not in the tangible sense. and for once, 'lost' actually said exactly what it meant. there were no hidden meanings, no unexplained phrases. what was said was true and real in every sense of the word. it took me a few hours, but after re-watching the end, my mind was finally able to wrap itself around the fact that time and space did not exist when they got to the church because they were in 'lost heaven'.
i bawled like a baby last night when all the connections were made. most notably, charlie and claire, jin and sun, and finally when vincent came to lay with jack during his last moments. talk about rip your heart and snatch the tears right out of your eyes. i was positively giddy every time one of the losties realized their reality and simply smiled because they knew that they were finally safe. when jin told sawyer in his perfect english "i'll see you there", this girl "lost" it. the tears wouldn't stop. i. could. not. stop. crying. tears. of. joy. literally, i haven't cried that hard over a story since 'titanic'....or maybe 'pearl harbor'.
now i suppose i could understand that for those who weren't looking for a spiritual explanation but rather a scientific one, you were left unsatisfied. but for those of us who were, how could you ask for a better ending? if you don't agree, let me just say, open your mind a little bit and just let it make sense and let it still be mysterious at the same time. it's 'lost'. of course it's going to leave us guessing about some things, though those things may be of little importance. but isn't that why we love it? michael fox said "it's open to interpretation". so how could you not be satisfied? if it's open to interpretation, interpret what you want.
i can't take total credit for understanding what happened last night. this article was a major player in helping me tie up the last few ends and come to terms with 'the end'.
satisfied as i was with the ending, here are my last few remaining questions: note, these questions may have already been answered and i just wasn't quick enough to catch on. if you do know the answers, tell me tell me tell me!
i'm still trying to work out EXACTLY what the man in black meant by "they come they destroy" and jacob's quote "it only happens once. the rest is just progress." what destruction and what only happens once? did i miss something obvious? i mean, i KIND OF get it. but not exactly.
daniel never had his flashback, nor did charlotte but they both got the sense that something was familiar. eloise wasn't ready to let her son go. regardless, that doesn't mean that daniel himself wasn't ready. did desmond simply not take he and charlotte on purpose for eloise's sake? otherwise, why weren't they included?
i know aaron was supposed to be special somehow. but what is that somehow? i understand that everyone who was at the church was dead because in the words of christian shepard, "everyone dies at some point" and there was no specific time at which they arrived there, therefore making it okay that they never showed the others dying. it's just understood that they've died at some point. that being said, how come ji yeon wasn't at the church with jin and sun but aaron was there with claire and charlie? unlike jack's son david, these children were real. this explains why we didn't see david at the church BUT leaves us wondering why ji yeon was left out of the final reunion. what about desmond and penny's son charlie? shouldn't he have been at the church as well?
speaking of david, he seems to be the only character who never physically existed. was he just jack's pseudo son only serving the purpose of a guide to help jack get to where he needed to end up?
what was the purpose of making juliet, jack's ex wife in the flash sideways? that seems a silly and unimportant question. but still. why? sawyer and juliet were the engaged ones on the island.
how come mr. eko wasn't ever revisited and how come he wasn't at the church? anna lucia? vincent? dogs go to heaven too.
why were walt and michael left out of the final reunion? we know michael died and the theory on jimmy kimmel last night was that he was left to roam on the island. but again, if the church was simply a place for the losties to gather in their afterlife, why were they not present? and even though walt was last seen alive and living in new york, "everyone dies at some point" so as such big part of the show for a long time, i feel like he should have been included. but why wasn't he?
what things did ben need to stay behind and take care of?
4,8,15,16,23,42....there's GOT to be more to those numbers than what we were given.
there are still i'm sure, although i just can't remember them at the moment, more questions that i won't recall until i rewatch the entire series. questions that don't really need answering. questions that were answered and i just haven't caught on yet. there are a million easter eggs that i've still not noticed. and a thousand connections that i still haven't made even though i've seen every episode. and that's why i love 'lost'. no matter how much you think you know, there's always more to learn and more to find. and even though it's over, it still allows us to create theories about the meaning of it all. it's a visual puzzle.
i'm introducing lauren to 'lost' very soon. i'm going back and rewatching it all for a second time to catch the things i missed the first go around. i can't wait to have one more person to discuss the island with.
i'm thinking about starting a support group for lost without lost victims.
dear lost, i will miss the island. i will miss ben being unconsciously hilarious just when the drama got to be too much.. thank you for a great ride. i promise to visit often. one day, i'll work out all of your secrets. but i hope not. keep me guessing and keep surprising me for as long as i decide to relive life on the island.
namaste.
'lost' favorites:
favorite characters: ben, hurley, jin, charlie
why? ben, because he's HILARIOUS. hurley, because he's just so wonderful and sweet and kind all the time. jin, because of his growth from the first episode to the last...and he's a hottie ;) charlie, who doesn't love charlie? he sacrificed himself for everyone else and regardless of his past and even during his worst moments he was still at his very core, loving and pure.
favorite episode: 'tricia tanaka is dead'
why? after so many hardships, there is finally a happy moment. i cried and laughed at the same time when hurley finally got that vdub in gear. hurley episodes were my favorite.
favorite quotes: i have too many of these to list but the one that made me laugh until i almost peed on myself was this: "if you 'say live together die alone' to me, jack, i'm gonna punch you in your face!" - rose
even though the end has come and gone, i'll probably continue to write about my little findings that i'm sure most of you have already found seeing as how you've been watching it since the beginning. but as long as i still get excited about finding the little hidden treasures, i'll keeping writing about 'lost'. but for now, i leave you with the video for 'you all, everybody'. someone PLEASE buy me a 'drive shaft' ring!
i have been without internet in my home for over a year. it's back. and oh how i've missed it. so you can expect to see me around more often :)
i FINALLY feel like our apartment is coming together. i'm just waiting for the day when i don't have to go to the store for SOMETHING. it's really frustrating and i'm going broke. and that is the opposite of what i'm listening to. fun, remember?
since i haven't written to you in so long i feel like i should have TONS more to say but really, i don't. except for, i'm really okay now. i can finally let go and be okay with it. it's funny how the exact opposite of what you want can actually make moving on easier. it's time that i get on with the rest of my life and realize that there are other people that can make me happy. i feel good.
but anyway, i'll spare you inane chatter because i honestly have nothing special to tell you. i'm sure that will change soon. in the meantime visit my tumblr for more frequent updates.
p.s. i have the BEST family and friends.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I DON'T CARE.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Blown away. That is all. Never in a million years would I have thought this was even possible. I would've bet my life on it. I'm beyond sorry that it came to this but I hope one day that it won't matter anymore. I'm going to keep moving and keep living. Maybe one day you'll need me and I will still be there for you, even after all the hurt, because when I said "no matter what", I meant it.
not to be a debbie downer or anything, but it's REALLY frustrating when things just DON'T work. searching and searching for a good job, finally getting an interview, really liking how the job sounds, the people that work there, great benefits, and then bam...they low ball the ever loving shit out of you.
last night was a doozy. i'm okay now because i have a plan. but still, it'd be nice to stop having this job hunt hanging over my head.
i'm just so frustrated and discouraged. i am good designer. there i said it. i am. and i deserve a good job. it's really discouraging when you see people that don't have the slightest clue about design and they have the job you deserve. they didn't work for it. it was handed to them. and they're not even designers.
i busted my ass for 4.5 years for this? no no no..this can't be right.
but in other news, jazz fest was EPIC.
band of horses.
pearl jam. old crow with ED HELMS! van morrison. the dead weather. bb king.
lauren saw maggie gylenhaal. apparently she walked right by me and i didn't even notice.
but....the greatest moment:
jack white, in three simple words, changed my life. "it's just water." thank you jack. never again will i hate the rain. i will embrace it and forever remember that last 30 seconds that the rain poured down on me while you played the shit outta that gretsch.
"will there be enough water?" there was that day.
p.s. alison baby, i love you more than ever. you never cease to amaze me.
