a follow up.

so i didn't finish perks last night because lost was on and i kind of sort of maybe lost control of myself for an hour or so until i feel asleep. that made me sound crazy...but anyway, i literally just closed perks and read the last sentence. someone told me once that they didn't like it as much as they thought they would. i'm not sure why this person said that because, to me, it seems like just the sort of thing that would make them understand. but maybe not. i guess this is confusing if you haven't read the book and don't know this person. but i digress and say, it is, even in it's most uncomfortable and controversial moments, the greatest thing i've read BECAUSE it made me understand. another person told me that this book was full of wonderful quotes. this person was right. i found more toward the end. things like:

"people who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don't, nothing will work out the way they want."

"it's much easier to not know things sometimes. and to have french fries with your mom be enough."

"even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."

"maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. because it's okay to feel things and be who you are about them."

"please believe that things are good with me. and even if they're not, they will be soon enough. and i'll believe the same about you."

i really don't like it when i'm told that "i shouldn't be upset because it's not like i'm the only one with problems" or "it's not like this was a surprise". two things i've been told in the past year. because, just like in perks, just because those things are true, doesn't make them okay. and words like that just seem like excuses to justify something that was done regardless of whether or not it was wrong. and it seems to cheapen our own emotions into something that doesn't really matter. right or wrong isn't the issue. i guess this is getting complicated so i'll stop trying to make sense out of that part. because it's not the point. my point is, it's okay to feel the way i'm feeling. regardless of circumstances, people get sad over different things. there are no rules that tell you when it's okay to be upset about something or how long to stay bitter, so why would you tell me things like "i shouldn't be upset because it's not like i'm the only one with problems"? me thinking i'm worse off than someone else isn't the case because it's simply not true. i'm just sad. plain and simple. so let me be sad and in time, that will stop. and i'll be okay. and eating french fries with my mom will be enough.

tonight i'm starting 'downtown owl'. i hope it's wonderful.