monday @ 10 and before.

something is taking place. i'm not going into detail about what it is. i don't want to jinx it (which i know is stupid but still....) this is something that i've been working toward for 5 years and i'm praying for the right words to get me through it successfully. pray for me. i need this. pray that next week i'll finally be able to say that i became what i wanted to be when i grew up. and even if i don't make it through, at least it's something. something more than what i've been getting in the past. pray. hard. i need this so so SO much.

but...before monday @10, this weekend, i'm going to fulfill six dreams in two days. jazz fest, thank you for scheduling six of my favorite bands and musicians in one glorious weekend. i will enjoy you in the sunshine or the rain. i will sit on blankets with two of my loves and get lost in the blissful moments that surround me. the pretty music coming from all directions. i'm going to let it fill me up. there is little that i love more than music and friends. except maybe live music with friends.


i will see the following:

band of horses.

pearl jam.

old crow medicine show.

van morrison.

the dead weather.

and the great mr....

for years it's been my dream to see bb. i can assure you that tears will roll when i see him sunday. i believe that it is a great blessing to have the opportunity to see such an iconic musician.

i have friends who are taking leaps and bounds to improve their lives. this is inspiring to me. and jenny and lauren, i am speaking of you and your recent posts.

dear jenny, to simplify is to cleanse. and that is a healthy habit that i am taking from you and incorporating into my own life. making purchases based on only things that you love and don't just like is what i believe to be the key to preventing buyers remorse. thank you for teaching me that.

dear lauren, i want you to not dwell or worry on making the right decision, because in fact, whatever decision you do make, was meant to be. and it is all going to work out the way it should. as for relaxing and surrounding yourself with happy things, that is something that i try to practice daily. thank you for reminding me to do that today.

right now, i am growing. and healing. and making necessary changes. i am learning. i am practicing. i am teaching. i am waiting. and i am genuinely, not temporarily, happy for the first time in much too long.

"everything is going the way it should. if it were supposed to be going another way it would."

redo day.

i haven't been very good at writing you lately. i've been in a bit of a rut in more ways than one. it's been a rough last couple of weeks. i feel like yesterday was a bad day for ALOT of people, including myself. but today i'm feeling much better. the night before last, i woke up in a panic and was up for hours with bad, BAD anxiety. i finally fell back asleep and when i woke up yesterday morning i felt fine. i was excited about starting on my christmas projects and feeling really inspired. and then about 2 hours after i got to work, it all went away and the anxiety came back and i wasn't motivated to do anything. i didn't feel like creating anything anymore. this is what i hate about anxiety. it ruins every good emotion i'm capable of having no matter how hard i try to fight it. after a long over due, late night phone conversation with miss moreau, it all went away.

sometimes, we just need to whine.

yesterday, i was especially good at it. i don't mean to complain so much. i'm working on that. but it's nice to know that there are other people out there who just want to complain with me. believe me or not, it helps. it helps just to talk about it so that it no longer becomes JUST my problem. it's not that i don't think anyone else has problems, because i know they do. i just want someone else to feel it for me so that it doesn't weigh so heavy on ONLY me. and that's true for anyone.

today, i woke up feeling refreshed. i decided that i was going to erase yesterday and allow today to be my "redo" day. and by pure chance, and probably the direction and help i prayed for, i stumbled upon a couple of things that helped me to start climbing out of my rut. so i thought i might share them, in hopes that they will help you out a little too. so here they are:

when i get in these awful moods and feel an extreme lack of creativity, it really bothers me. so much so that i feel like i no longer have a creative bone left in my body. this morning while reading one of my favorite blogs, i stumbled upon this post. it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. if you have the time, or even care at all, read it. it is, to an exact T, how i feel and one day i hope to have the same kind of support she gets from her husband. not to mention, i'm IN LOVE with everything she does. she is an inspiration in more ways than one.

i realize that thanksgiving was two weeks ago. but when i was reading this blog this morning, i found this and it made me happy. and it made me want to find things to be thankful for all the time. not just on the 4th thursday of every november.

i am thankful for my home and all of the people that inhabit it: family, friends, animals and all. i am thankful for the blue sky today. i am thankful for food. i am thankful for the people in this video and for them reminding me to be thankful for simple things. i am thankful for having things to be thankful for. and if i could retweet in this post, i would retweet a hundreds times what the guy with the headphones said about being thankful for the future. "there is always positive in the future." that alone improved my entire attitude.

these things make me want to be better. i'm going to be better. it's a promise. and today, i'm gathering supplies for my christmas projects. i'm ready to start creating again.

source: promise tangeman blog, the rockstar diaries